Just for the record...

8:01pm: TM #173: Write a fan letter.

( Stfu, Ryan. )
 

12:35am: TM #171: What is the biggest mistake you've made in a relationship?
Hah, what timing.

Of course, the obvious answer would be writing that journal entry. Or maybe just not deleting it when I realized it was bullshit. It could also be taking Spencer's bait, or leaving the way I did. You could go further back and say it was saying that I loved him when I was unsure in the first place. You could even skip Ryan altogether and say it was something with Audrey. Believing she loved me so quickly, when I'm not too sure she ever really did at all.

It's not like I'm an expert at this. I think I'm entitled to my share of mistakes. But do you think I regret any of them?

Not a single one. So maybe they weren't really mistakes after all, and I have yet to make a bad decision.

Haha, no, I'm not that arrogant. But all of these things I've done, they've gotten to me where I am now: sitting in a hotel room with Ryan finally sleeping beside me again. And if this is where I can stay (okay, maybe not in this hotel, but you get the idea), then I certainly don't mind a few little mistakes along the way.
 

12:56am: [playing] This could all be for nothing..

( What do I have to do? )
 

12:21am: [playing] I cannot leave here, I cannot stay..

( I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak. )
 

1:10am: TM #170: Time.
When Brendon walked through the living room, neither Jon nor Spencer tried to hide the fact that they'd heard. They stared at him openly from the couch as he pulled on his pink hoodie. Jon looked a little concerned; Spencer seemed almost angry.

"What did you do?" Spencer asked firmly, closing the magazine he'd been reading.

Jon nudged Spencer with his elbow then looked back to Brendon. "Uh, are you okay, man?"

Brendon zipped up his hoodie, ignoring both of their questions. "I'm going out," he said, grabbing his keys and going through the front door without another word.

( It was cool outside... )
 

1:04am: [playing] Tonight's the last, so say goodbye.

( A secret is out.. )
 

4:20am: [playing] A bad idea.
Brendon sighed, his head in his hands as he glared at the bottle of Jack Daniel's on his nightstand.

( Whiskey lullaby? )
 

11:26pm: TM #169: Fragile.
I'm sure if you asked around, the last thing people would say about me is that I'm fragile.

Brendon Urie is loud, hyper, childish, determined, caring, outgoing, annoying... but certainly not fragile.

There are times when I feel like I am, though. When things get too hard, sometimes I get to where I feel like I just can't handle it, like I'll just break if one more thing goes wrong.

One of those times, I actually quit the band. I remember standing at the door of the shitty one-bedroom apartment we stayed in while we were recording, all of my things right there and ready to head off to fucking Arizona. Then Ryan said my name and when I turned around he was giving me this look, not sad or anything, just telling me that I was a fucking idiot. If it hadn't been for him, I'd have just graduated from hairdressing school.

I also had those few bad months where I can't remember one night of being sober. That was me trying not to feel fragile, I guess.

There are even some things happening now that I'm having problems dealing with. That's not something I'd like to get into, though.

I guess the point of this was just to say that I'm not exactly as strong as people think. Not all the time, at least. People like me can be fragile, too.
 

5:45pm: [deleted entry] Fucked up.

( Private )
 

12:00am: [playing] D is for...

 ( Date, daisies, and disgustingly cute. )


[Er.. ensuing events are a little R rated.]

8:20pm: Well, damn.

 Looks like they' ve found me out.
 

9:12pm: TM #167: Disillusionment.
Funny how one random careless incident can change a person.

Everyone knows what happened last August. "Panic! frontman bottled onstage! Out cold for ten minutes!" I hate to admit it, but that was one of the most humiliating things I've ever experienced. I knew the history there before we went onstage, but it didn't occur to me that it might actually happen to us. Worse, that I'd be the one lucky fucker who actually got knocked out by a water bottle. It's not that I thought our band was too good for it, I just never imagined...

Really, what the fuck is wrong with people? If you don't like our music, what the fuck are you doing there?

That was definitely something that disillusioned me as to how thoughtlessly hateful people can be. I didn't even see the thing coming; we were mid-song and the next thing I knew I was staring up at a bunch of our crew, Spencer looking worried, Jon a little angry, and Ryan downright pissed. I heard later that he'd even flipped the crowd off when he walked across the stage. I was disoriented and a little ticked myself, but I didn't want whoever had thrown it to think they'd gotten the best of me, and we damn sure weren't going to quit playing because of it. So I stood up and pushed past the guys, grabbed a mic, and told the fucker, "You can't take me out! Let's see how well you do with my left side," and we picked right up where we left off.

I had a nasty bruise on my eye for the next week or so. It was cool, though. Made me look rugged and tough. And despite the bad start, we did put on a damn good show.

I guess it was a good experience, all in all. Taught me that there is real danger out there for us. I mean, what if that hadn't been just a plastic bottle? Things could have easily turned out a lot worse. Not that I'm scared to perform or go back there or anything, but next time the fuckers won't catch me off guard.
 

2:50am: Relationships
 
( Ehhh... )


[PS: Sorry, mun saw this and just had to make him fill it out. :P]

11:24pm: TM #63: What can you say is truly yours?
Heh, not much anymore.

It seems like every aspect of my life is now owned by someone else. Managers and press and fans decided where I go and what I do with my time. I don't own anything that holds any real value to me. I tried to distance myself from material things when I got kicked out, because there was only so much I could grab between the screaming fights with my parents. And, on that subject, not even my home is my own. Even after Mom and Dad let me back, things aren't the same. Everything around there feels forced, like they're trying too hard to be nice or just to put up with me when I'm there. Not that I don't care about them or anything, but I'd much rather be out touring and spending endless nights in hotels, or staying here at the studio. Those places are as much home as anything anymore.

I think the only things that are truly mine are the thoughts that I keep to myself. Things that you keep to yourself are all that you really have any control over.

But.. I'm not complaining or anything. Not really. Having people decide things for you makes life a lot simpler, at least. And I know it won't last forever, so I'm okay with that.

Ah, well, there is one thing that is mine, no matter what anyone else says. He knows who he is.
 

9:51pm: TM #158: Talk about a memorable or unexpected kiss at a holiday party.
Alright, so it wasn't at a party, but it was definitely unexpected. Hey, at least it was on Valentine's Day.

( Locked to all but Ryan )

Brendon sighed, clicking his laptop closed and pushing it away. For once thankful of his momentary solitude, he rested his head on the kitchen table, then thumped his forehead on it a few times for good measure. When would he stop being such a fuck up?
 

5:48pm: TM #166: Do you believe in ghosts?
Ghosts? Everyone wonders about that kind of thing, I guess. But who's really to say whether or not they're real? I've seen some pretty weird shit, but there's usually an explaination for it there somewhere. I think the only real way to keep someone alive is just not to forget about them. As long as you hold on to the memories, they're never really gone. Which isn't always a good thing, either. Sometimes it's best just to let go, you know?

Anyway, as for actual physical ghosts... well, I've never seen one. So many people claim to have, though, so who knows? I can't say I believe in them unless there's undeniable proof.

Speaking of, I would really love to go on one of those ghost hunts or old town tours that I've read about, down in the south where crazy shit seems normal. That was always something I'd planned on doing after school, but... As crazy as things with the band are now, I don't think I could do a thing like that without being mobbed by drooling fangirls.
 

8:40pm: Some survey thing.
( For Ross )

11:26pm: Quizzes
This is what happens on a long bus ride when Ryan is ignoring me and Spencer's losing all his cash to Jon.

( quizzes )

7:52pm: TM #164: What are you waiting for?
I sat in the narrow hallway of the tour bus, trying to go unnoticed while peeking around the corner every few seconds. Ryan was stretched out on the couch, listening to his iPod and reading a book that he'd picked up in the last city. He also happened to be dozing off, his Sidekick sitting unprotected on the floor beside him. This is it!

( Just as I was about to make my move... )
 

5:09pm: DISCLAIMER
( This is NOT Brendon Urie! )